my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
