guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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