You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
