My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
