i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Come on in and take your pants off
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