If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
