Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
