the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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