i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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