hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize