HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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