also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize