I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
