note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize