guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
