Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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