mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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