....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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