considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
