Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
