I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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