I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
