New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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