I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
