I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
