I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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