Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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