Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
