so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
