i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
