There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
