Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize