Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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