I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
