I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
