my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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