I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
my shit smells like andre
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
