Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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