i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
