You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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