oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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