The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
