my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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