Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
