By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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