In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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