Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
