you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
