I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
