I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
