you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
