At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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