We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
FUCK WHALES
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