hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
