dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i was born a porn star she said
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
