make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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