I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
