I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
