Porn is love you can see.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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