i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
