he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
