if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
