maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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