just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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