I have demons in me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
God, I missed his penis.
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