By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
